I never usually do these posts because I’m always crying in a corner listening to sad music, but this week has made me remember how much the little things count sometimes. This is for no one’s personal enjoyment, just a reminder to myself that there are small accounts of happiness that make sweat, blood, and tears worth enduring.

This week:

• I got an A- on my midterm.
• I got to class without the panic of not doing my homework.
• I got an A- and a B on two quizzes.
• My teacher pointed out how I’m the best student in the class.
• Aced another quiz.
• Had one of the best radio shows I’ve had (planning it meant quality time with two of my favorite boys).
• Had one of my poems compared to Dylan lyrics *humble brag douchebag*
• My foster dog arrived and she’s a princess.
• Played with another puppy.
• Cuddled and watched movies with the guy I’m into.
• Finally had my piss-shower become a real person’s shower.
• Got into most of the classes I wanted to for next semester.
• Had my teacher email me that my paper was the best one out of class.
• Got admitted into a class that was permission only because the teachers who run it love me.
• Didn’t feel as blue as usual.

There’s so much small joy in life; it’s great to remember it every now and then.

Now I’m watching The Big Lebowski before a night of celebration. Not a bad last week as a 20 year old.

My old life ended with rain; it washed away during the night. The moon was shining milky white and it lasted until I was ready to begin anew. I woke up in my old life but it was now different. My new life started with sunshine; a bright obelisk assuring me that it was time - it had ended. Bittersweet is the only way to describe the feeling: I’m sad it had to end, but I’m excited for what comes next. We both knew it was goodbye, and it was beautiful to part with such perfection.

The romance you show is no romance

The attention you give comes in waves

The time between us is heavy

And thinking is causing me pain.

And then it was there. Nothing. And then nothing was there. And with that unspoken silence I could hear it all; your words, your breaths, your every enduring memory. I wish I could know it all about everyone, then I wouldn’t be so surprised by surprises. 

A year ago I vowed to myself to never look to the past because it hurt too much…but throughout this year I learned that that’s impossible, and thank God. You make what you want out of life, and if I learned something this year it’s that some things are unforgettable. I decided then to categorize everything into either one of two things: life is filled with beautiful memories or with lessons. Pain hurts, but pain makes you move forward and grow stronger and now I can say everything is stable. Things aren’t perfect - I still wish I could change some things about everything - but they are what they are, and everything that has happened in my life has led me to this moment. This exciting moment in which life is new again but the past remains there, and that’s a good thing. Forgetting is not growing, denying is not growing, accepting is growing, and I’m thankful for everything that’s happened and for everyone in my life - those who have been there, those who are still here, and those who are yet to come.

I hope 2012 is a great year for everyone.

This year was good to me. This year I lived in three different cities, in three different countries, in two different continents. This year I met more people than I had in a long time. This year I learned about redemption and forgiveness and that some things just need time, so give it to them. This year I learned to trust in myself. This year wasn’t as hard as last year. This year there was no death surrounding me. This year I made new friends, lost friends, and made friends again. This year I got to have a fresh start three times. This year I experienced the seasons for the first time. This year I walked alone many times, but felt lonely only some. This year I learned that it’s ok to be independent, but everyone needs someone else so don’t push them away. This year I learned time heals wounds. This year, 2011.

I think about fields with childhood memories running through them and it makes me sad. It makes me sad to think that I will never be a child again, and that children have no fate but to grow up or to die.

Applying for magazine internships…I hope I get hired somewhere. So far I’ve only emailed Paper Mag.

Also, if anyone knows of an opening and wants to recommend me, please speak up! I would greatly appreciate any and all help.

You may carry on with your lives now.

We were watching my grandfather die and a doctor told us to put on special glasses so we could see his soul and it could say goodbye to us.

I’m sorry I’ve been absent, but I’m busier than I’ve ever been. I finally made it to New York! It’s been nonstop working since I got here, trying to get everything settled. When time slows down again I promise I’ll be back to my old tumblr self.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend and those in the U.S. enjoy the extra day!

For some reason I was stranded with strangers in the middle of the desert, when suddenly a sand storm broke out. However, the sand never settled, it hovered over us creating a type of shielding cloud. The sand wouldn’t fall, but it would spin in a horizontal manner, creating strange whirls of red. I lifted my finger and said “It looks like we’re in Saturn”, and then I took a picture.